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| Image from FoundSF.org |
Based on my records, I stopped writing regularly in late 2005. I can only attribute this to a couple things. Firstly, I got engaged around then, and secondly, I think I made a conscious decision to put the pen down. I don't believe it was out of laziness, or a lack of time, or because of my job, etc. I seriously think I had a realization that I wrote when things were kind of down or messy, and that writing of them only made me think about them more, circularly, and memorialize my fucked up thoughts of those times.
Writing makes me pensive, thoughtful -- which sounds like a good thing. But for me, I think it would keep me in a place rather than help me move along. I wanted to get on with things. And I think not writing about myself was a way to move forward in my own life.
I return now, or of late, I suppose as a way to document what is going on with me, hopefully as a changed person since about decade or more ago. To reflect a bit. Some of what I've been sharing with you has been old writing, and I mean OLD writing, from at least 18 years ago. I'm starting to think about 15 years is a good buffer of time between myself and old me. I can smile and laugh and share with good humor how earnest, if not embarrassing, I was at 16 and 17. I'm not sure I'm ready to share what 20, 21, and 22-year-old me was up to. She was darker than I remember, and greedy. She, too, was beautiful, but forgot about it or refused to believe it.
And she wanted the world. Not just the world itself, but the world inside everyone she loved. Possessive and aggressive, I would have bled out any of my lovers if they let me. If they were Josh, they would stand their ground. If they weren't, they ran or dropped me cold, and rightfully so. I was vampiric. And my writing at this time... was bat-shit crazy.
Don't get me wrong, some of it was good. Real good. I may have a hidden career in writing pop music lyrics when I grow up. Because most of my writing is that dramatic and over-the-top. I was a total wrecking ball, too, Miley, my friend.
And I will always want you.
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These pictures are from a California trip I took with Kara in September 2005. Our acquaintance, Mat, encouraged us to drive out to Stinson Beach, a scenic town about a half-hour from San Francisco. The drive was windy and wild, and I learned that many of those auto commercials showing cars romantically swooshing along the curves of a mountainside are filmed here.
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| Kara and Anne Sept. 2005, Stinson Beach, California |
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| Mat |
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| Mat and Kara |
Excerpt from journal entry, October, 2005:
"I had to ride the high out," I told Kara.
... When will I surrender to a quiet life? I have wanted it so long... do I need to try harder, or just hold on?
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