This is Living

I jumped into the lake
cold, unforgiving
and thought, 
This is living

------

He held me 
so close 
as young lovers should be
contentedly I closed my eyes
so in love
and thought,
that
this
This is living

------

We fought
I burned, so angry
flipping the marble table top
cold and heavy
breaking glasses
and thought,
Who I am?
What is this?
Is this what I want?
and 
How?
just
How am I living?

------

We held on
fell onto the bed
I was drowning
while we made love
gasping, gasping
caught my breath
and kept on seeking

------

We stood at the alter
and I cried,
not realizing I would cry
and I thought,
please God,
give me that blessed shred of grace
for this
to keep on living

-----

Years before I had felt the same
driving home at night
alone
alone
with every passing turn
facing the woods
next to the river
and I thought,
as I sped
and I swerved,
Today,
but for tomorrow,
Shall I keep on living?

-----

Year later
he looked at me
with sad and stern eyes
and scolded me indifferently
then turned his face
then turned his back
and walked away
so quickly
so quickly
and I thought,
This, too, shall pass
...
This 
this is all part of living

-----

Each one in turn
sought my soul yet
tore my spirit
and I kept on giving
even after 
I was the
violence bearer

for this
this is my only choice
to feel everything
soberly, so keenly aware
of all my flaws
and all my love
because all these
are scars
and just
around the corner
maybe in the gutter
a joy, a diamond
a ring

and this
all this

This is living